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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato:
For the greater good.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Bhuddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Sappho:
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Herodotus:
Another story that is told among the Cimmerians is this, that in past times Chickens, and in particular that one Chicken, who was called Misgetomenos the son of Aidoion, were wont to cross the Road. I myself, however, having seen with my own eyes the Road of the Cimmerians, am convinced that the Road is not, and never was, crossable by Chickens, nor yet by Misgetomenos.

The Road is in appearance wondrous, and unlike any other thing in the world. It is a straight, flat band, made of a material that the Cimmerians call "asphalt" (which in the Cimmerian language means, "asphalt.") It is possessed of two yellow lines, being both in the center of the band, such that the center itself is between the yellow lines, and is black. As it is wide, dirty, and not seemly in the matter of U-turns, I am of the opinion that no Chicken ever crossed it.

There are three stories which are told about Misgetomenos the son of Aidoion, of which the following is in my opinion the most probable, the others being, so it would seem, completely untrue. This is that Misgetomenos was not a Chicken at all, but rather a slave who, charged with the painting of crosswalks, was called by the name of "Tsicken," which, in the Greek language, means "chicken.

There is, however, a different tale which is told of the son of Aidoion, and this I heard from the Greeks who live in Asia. This I will recount, though I do not believe it. This is that Misgetomenos was, in fact, a Chicken; further, that he did cross the Road of the Cimmerians, simply for this reason: that he might get to the Other Side.
Windows NT Chicken:
The Windows NT Chicken is designed to run over the Novell chicken as it crosses the road. Forget about crossing the road with less than 100MB of RAM.
OS/2 Chicken:
Can cross the road as a Windows 3.1 Chicken, or a DOS Chicken, but it's almost impossible to cross the road as a Native OS/2 Chicken, because there are no device drivers available for crossing the road yet (and there never will be.)
Win 95 Chicken:
The Win95 Chicken can cross any given road in eleven different ways, not counting the use of wizards who will actually cross the road for the chicken. If you can remember all eleven ways, you can become a Microsoft Certified Poultry Specialist (MCPS). If you come up with new way for the Windows 95 Chicken to cross the road, you can become a Microsoft Certified Solution Provider (MCSP.) But if you come up with a whole new chicken altogether, then you will become a Microsoft Certified Enemy (MSROADKILL)
Microsoft Chicken (tm):
Already owns both sides of the road and the space in the middle (check out "The Road Ahead", by Bill Gates). The Microsoft Chicken no longer worries about getting to the other side of the road. Its sole hell-bent mission is to somehow install MS Internet Explorer on your hard drive and choke the Netscape Chicken.
Netscape Chicken:
When you get to the other side of the road, remember to bookmark it so it will be easier to find next time.
Shareware Chicken:
If you use the Shareware Chicken to cross the road you are encouraged to send 15.00...
Freeware Chicken:
Same as the Shareware Chicken, but with a more realistic approach.
Quicken Chicken:
Even if you use the advanced features of the Quicken Chicken to get to the other side of the road, you are still going to be out of balance, same as you were with the Paper Chicken.
Unix Chicken:
Assuming the Unix Chicken has permission to cross the road, it may go about it in this way: cd /usr/local/dev/chicken/bin/travel/ cr -o [road] -s [speed] -a [angle] -d [debug] -l [logfile] | [destination side] -v [verbose] When the Unix Chicken's process is complete you may find out why it failed by looking in: /usr/local/dev/chicken/spool/crossings/errlog/ch10356723.x.out
Linux Chicken:
Same as the Unix Chicken but it's free, although unsupported. To find out why the Linux chicken failed to cross the road, you will have to send email to some guy in Iceland with more dots in his email address than there are stars in the universe.
Qnx Chicken:
The QNX Chicken is similar to the Unix Chicken, but is so small it can pass through the eye of a needle as it crosses the road. There is no real reason for the QNX Chicken to cross the road except to amaze your friends.
DOS 1.2 Chicken:
Everybody has a manual for the DOS 1.2 Chicken on a bookshelf somewhere in the back. If you are considering crossing a modern road with the DOS 1.2 Chicken you may want to read the special supplement to the manual titled "Using the DOS 1.2 Chicken with a Hard Disk."
Oracle Chicken:
The Oracle Chicken is the ideal solution to your massive other-side-of-the-road problem, but you will never be able to afford the Oracle Chicken.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
PowerBuilder Chicken:
Drags in its slick marketing on how well it can cross the road. When you are impressed and buy the chicken, it randomly gets run over while trying to cross the road.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
IDE Chicken:
The original Chicken Platter. Can cross the road by itself, or with a properly configured slave, but not as quickly as the SCSI Chicken.
SCSI Chicken:
These chickens can grow to extremely large sizes, and can cross the road very quickly in packs of up to eight. Will cross with Mac Chickens or PC Chickens. A whole bunch of SCSI chickens together are called a Chicken RAID. With Chicken Mirroring, you can still make it to the other side of the road if you have a Fried Chicken.
C Chicken:
As a general rule of thumb, if the C Chicken has to cross the road more than once, it's better to call a function instead.
C++ Chicken:
The C++ Chicken wouldn't have to cross the road. Instead, an instance of the object chicken (based on the c_chicken class) would be inherited to the other side.
FORTRAN Chicken:
Has all the velocities and vectors for crossing the road already defined. If you are an aerospace engineer you might be able to get the FORTRAN Chicken to actually fly across the road. (on paper anyway)
COBOL Chicken:
The COBOL Chicken meant business in the early 80's but now the COBOL Chicken must race to get to the other side of the road before the year 2000.
Prolog Chicken:
The Prolog Chicken uses advanced intelligence routines to deduce through logical association whether or not you want it to cross the road. This process has no impact on whether or not the Prolog Chicken will actually cross the road.
ADA Chicken:
Good enough for crossing government roads.
SQL Chicken
select crossing from road where object = "chicken" and side_1 = "here" and side_2 = "there" into crossing.sql /
BASIC Chicken:
10 PRINT "Go to the other side of the road." 20 GOTO 10 MUMPS Chicken f w "Go to the other side of the road."
Visual Basic Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad cross (a Chicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The Delphi Chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a chicklet to the other side.
Web Chicken:
There are so many possible paths for the web chicken to take to get to the other side of the road that it's getting harder and harder for the Web Chicken to find its way. The Web Chicken will always wind up on "My Favorite links to other peoples' favorite links to Pamela Anderson Sites" instead of the other side of the road.
TCP/IP Chicken:
Grinds the Chicken up into byte size packets, ships each one separately by the fastest possible route to the other side of the road and then re-assembles the Chicken.
NetBEUI Chicken:
Great for leading a few chickens across the road, but not good for routing a whole bunch of chickens.
IPX/SPX Chicken:
Can cross with Novell Chickens, and can even be routed.
Kung Pow Chicken:
*spicy - comes with egg roll.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
Packard Bell Chicken:
If you purchased a Packard Bell Chicken, you are obviously not experienced enough to cross the road by yourself. You will probably need the expert technical advice of a Wal-Mart Salesperson to guide you across the road. The Packard Bell Chicken is the origin of the term 'chickenshit.'
WebTV Chicken:
Technically it can get to the other side of the road, but it's not really a chicken. Mrs. Goldie Brand Chicken. Expects you to believe that some famous country singer/spokeswoman actually comes home and fries chicken every night for her family of 15.
Cray Chicken:
Crosses the road faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side as FriedChicken.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
This chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
Thermodynamic Chicken:
According to the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, this chicken will always cross the road, presuming that the origin side is one of an ordered state and the destination side is one of an entropic (or disordered) state.
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Chicken:
Eventually even indirectly observing the chicken cross the road will effect the outcome of the crossing in some way.
Chaos Theory Chicken:
Given a complex enough road, it is impossible to predict how the chicken will cross, but an unpredictable pattern of orders may be spontaneously generated in the otherwise random crossings of all chickens everywhere.
Occam's Razor Chicken:
Given two equally proveable and equally probable chicken crossings, the simpler of the two is generally the true crossing.
General Relativity Chicken:
Mathematically there is no difference between saying that the General Relativity Chicken has crossed over the road, or that the road has crossed underneath the General Relativity Chicken. Either can be proven.
Special Relativity Chicken:
Cannot cross the road faster than the speed of light, and will presumably gain more mass and therefore distort time to a greater degree the faster it crosses.
AT&T Chicken:
Calls you up in the middle of dinner time and asks you to switch back to it's side of the road.
Lotus Chicken:
Comedian Dennis Leary frightens the chicken into thinking that only dumb teenagers with blue hair are on this side of the road and it needs to be on the other side of the road with the Greedy Capitalist Chickens.
IBM Chicken:
The original IBM Chicken was too slow and too expensive to make crossing the road practical, so IBM allowed everyone else to clone it's chicken, hoping that they would go out of business. They didn't, and now the IBM Chicken is more like a clone of a clone of a clone of the clones of itself. Every year they hold a Special Olympics for the IBM Chicken so it can cross the road too.
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no command for doing that. Not to be confused with Chicken MacNuggets, which enjoyed the same popularity for a time, as well as the same functionality.